I realized that I basically had three separate wardrobes. I had a lot of high end suiting and professional clothes from my days as a management consultant to Department of Defense clients. I also had a wardrobe full of sexy, beautiful clothes from being and plus size model and influencer. Then, in the past year, I have acquired a bunch of clothes that fit my lifestyle as a mom and freelancer, doing a little bit of consulting and modeling, but mostly being home with my baby and creating content from the kitchen table.
I decided to tidy because I wanted to reduce the amount of clothing I have to muddle through and get a handle on my wardrobe. I knew I had stuff to purge, but the sheer volume of clothing that I had to go through was truly shocking.
Little Black Dress Overload
Going through my clothes following the KonMari mehtod taught me a lot about my behavior as it relates to buying and selecting clothing. I realized that I don’t tend to shop my closet. My closet is more like a graveyard for clothes! Whenever I have an event or spot a new trend, I tend to buy something new. Going forward, I want to make more of an effort to know what I have, and shop from my own closet instead of always buying new clothes.
It’s Not About the Clothes
It’s never about what it’s about, right? Well this was true for my tidying experience as well. For me, clothes are a reflection of my own feelings of self worth. If I have a “cute” outfit it makes me feel like I matter as a human being.
This dovetails with a revelation I had recently on my postpartum fitness journey. I have been making an effort to re-establish some healthy habits, such as working out consistently and fueling my body with healthy, vibrant, and nourishing foods. As I’ve been doing this, I also realized that I really define my own self worth by my appearance. The reason I was having trouble sticking to a healthy routine is because on some deeper level, I didn’t believe that I was worthy of a healthy lifestyle because of my size.
The same is true, I’ve realized, with my wardrobe. I have been harboring very deeply rooted shame about my body for a long time. I would wager most women grapple with these feelings, even those who have a “good” body. But as a plus size woman, you had better believe that my self image was suffering!
Nothing about my body has changed after applying the KonMari method to my wardrobe. But through this process, I realized that my negative feelings about myself were driving me to buy excessive amounts of clothing. I haven’t perfectly eradicated all these feelings, but I’m exploring them through therapy and self-reflection. Now, when I get the itch to make a purchase, I know to interrogate my feelings instead of adding things to my online shopping cart. I’m hoping that I can kick my shopping-to-mask-feelings-of-inadequacy habit once and for all!
Now that my closet is organized, I want to move on and tackle the other areas covered by the KonMari method. Stay tuned for an update!